Before we try something new it’s rare not to make some form of prejudgement. Shibari is no exception but it’s likely that your first experiences will blow any preconceptions out of the water. Watching rope in porn — which is many people’s first introduction — is often not the best representation of tying IRL.
We asked our community what their misconceptions of shibari were, and how their opinions changed once they tried it. Here’s what they said.
Shibari has to be sexual
Shibari can be sexual, and for a lot of people it is. But, for many, rope doesn’t come with a side of sex. My rope journey started out in the bedroom but once I’d experienced it I knew I needed it, with or without the sex. So I made this my mission. Now I have a wonderful — platonic — tying relationship that gives me so much joy. @mindful_life_thoughts says: “Like most things in BDSM rope appears sexual at first. But getting to know you Anatomie stars virtually really opened my eyes as to how amazing shibari and rope work is: calming, almost meditative, and how it puts you at peace, with different sensations on restraints. Suspension is fascinating and I can’t wait to eventually learn!”
Shibari is all about knots
For @magic_thumbfl there was a preconception that shibari was all about learning patterns and knots: adult Scouts, if you like. Actually, shibari involves very few knots. It mostly relies on creating friction that works to hold the tension of the rope against the body. It’s a great hobby for people who enjoy puzzles. Once you understand how rope works and have a grasp of the fundamentals, it’s basically a body-shaped jigsaw.
Shibari is boring
“I got told about it when I first joined Fet,” says @_spellbound_girl_. “I remember saying, ‘That sounds boring!’ Wrong!” Shibari isn’t for everyone: if bondage is a speed sport then maybe handcuffs are the right choice for you; no shade. However, if you’re interested in more of a process, being creative with restraints, or exploring restriction in a non-sexual way, then definitely give it a go. There is always more to learn from both a rigging and bottoming perspective.
Shibari is only for certain bodies
Traditionally we see see a specific body type in rope: slim, flexible, usually white or East Asian, and most often female. For @dionthebunnycat seeing super flexible bodies made her assume that her body didn’t belong in rope. The message @nizlyn_artist got is that it’s impossible to shibari with a disability. Luckily this isn’t true! Recently there has been a shift towards diversity in rope that celebrates a variety of different bodies tying and being tied. Our view is that rope should always fit a body, not the other way around (Almost) any tie can be adapted for various needs and, if for some reason one can’t, there is always an alternative that does work.
Shibari is gendered
Much like above, it has traditionally been far more common for men to be riggers and women to be rope bottoms. Nowadays, this isn’t really the case. The number of women and nonbinary people who are stepping into the rigging space is increasing, and men are also much more receptive to being tied. It turns out tying preference and gender aren’t intrinsically linked! In fact, when you’re learning shibari, regardless of gender, it’s a really good idea to experience both sides. For a rigger, it’s helpful to know how rope feels, and for a bottom it’s useful to have some knowledge of the technicalities. Maybe switches really do have the best of both worlds.
Being suspended is effortless
Gem (Elle_Gee83 on Fetlife) says a huge misconception about suspension is: “That it’s somehow effortless, serene and floaty like flying. It’s one of my biggest bugbears with rope photography, especially as a fat rope bottom who does a lot of suspension. Like, it’s beautiful, but what it feels like and what it looks like are a world apart. If I had a quid for every time I rolled my eyes at the ‘omg she looks so blissful’ comments.” While there might be moments of serenity in a suspension, the reality is far more raw than the images we might see. Being suspended is rarely painless or comfortable, and it can be downright excruciating, but there are so many reasons people do it.
Shibari is all about suspension
People often become interested in shibari because they’ve seen an image of someone being suspended; that becomes their goal. I relate: when I started being tied I was desperate for suspension. Now… my rope partner and I have made a conscious choice to make our rope sessions less prescriptive, and focus more on floor ties and partial suspensions. It’s much nicer to play around and enjoy time to be creative, and have suspension as a ‘nice to have’ rather than a ‘must have’ during our shibari sessions.
Rope is for riggers
“I thought that the person in rope is ‘lending’ their body to the rigger, and remains disconnected/ neutral about it,” says @m.i.n.e.r.v.a.l. “My confidence as a bottom really started developing once I started self-tying for pleasure, which showed me how rich the experience of being in rope can be. That’s when I started noticing the connection between the rigger & the model when I would see people tie together. I also read Somatics for Rope Bottoms, which I approached from the angle of ‘how to feel safe in rope’ but the book ended up being an excellent guide toward being more connected to my rigger when bottoming.”