Is shibari merely a code word for sex? Does tying with someone automatically imply there will be sexual contact?
At its core and origin, shibari is an erotic practice, a fetish, and a key element of BDSM (after all, the “B” stands for bondage), and it’s important to know this. However, does “eroticism” necessarily mean sex? Do intimate moments in rope only happen within sexually charged or romantic encounters? And importantly, does agreeing to engage in rope play imply an expectation of sex?
The short answer
Well… the short answer is no.
For some, rope play is intrinsically linked to intimacy, desire, erotic exploration and sex (however you define it). Aligning these motivations with potential partners requires open and honest communication, including upfront conversations about expectations, limits, and boundaries.
For others, rope exists outside the realm of eroticism and can take on a more platonic dimension. There is touch, proximity, physicality, and deep, intense physical and emotional experiences, but not necessarily in a way that participants would describe as “sexual”.
What does this all mean?
Firstly, especially if you are new to rope, it’s important to note that fundamentally agreeing to tie with someone is not equal to agreeing to sex. Like with any kink exploration explicit, informed consent is vital. Negotiation – including where is ok to touch, where is not, and what kind of touch is acceptable – is foundational to any rope experience, whether “labbing” or “playing”.
Secondly, if someone you’re getting to know insists that you must be comfortable with sex or sexual touching in order to tie with them, consider this a huge red flag. Run for the hills.
Are we sanitising the practice by removing sex from the equation?
There are parallels here with the pole dancing world that are worth considering. Pole dancing originally emerged from the realm of sex work, deeply rooted in strip clubs and erotic performances. However, over the past decade, pole fitness has surged in popularity, transforming the practice into a mainstream, often “vanilla,” activity found in gyms and fitness studios.
Shibari and sex
This evolution prompts several questions. Have we distanced pole dancing too far from its origins? By sanitising and mainstreaming the practice, are we losing touch with its rich and complex history? Just as with shibari, it’s essential to acknowledge and respect the origins and diverse expressions of these practices, recognising that they can exist in both erotic and non-erotic contexts. Understanding this spectrum helps preserve the integrity and multifaceted nature of these practices.
Midori writes an excellent article on the origins of shibari here. In particular she dispels some important myths about it:
“Shibari isn’t considered on par with the tea ceremony. It’s hardly a respected national art form, but it is beautiful naughtiness. It is Japan’s version of lowbrow art. Like graffiti, tattoos, low riders, burlesque, punk clothes, it bubbles up from the impolite populist back alleys, seeping into high fashion or the proper suburbs.These are just a few threads of the complicated tapestry that is Shibari today.”
“The warm gooey source of modern shibari is rooted firmly in the pleasure quarters, sex work, and the erotic strategies of ordinary people. This is rarely spoken of. I suspect that people who come from cultures or backgrounds that are strongly judgemental against sex work may consciously or subconsciously need to distance themselves from the glorious gutter quality of Shibari. Erasing its messy history is erasing the people along with it.”
Shibari in the modern world
The widespread popularity of shibari in recent decades in the West has brought rope play out of the back alleys and SM bars, and into the mainstream. This has attracted a broader audience, including those who appreciate the intimacy and physicality of the practice without necessarily seeking a sexual context.
In addition, to navigate online censorship, spaces, practitioners and teachers often have to present more sanitized and “coded” images of their activities, which further distances the practice from its original roots (namely pornography).
Nowadays, we can certainly practise rope within platonic contexts, fostering physical connection between people in an increasingly disconnected and lonely world. There is often no need for a romantic or sexual connection for friends to tie friends. Practically speaking, this also facilitates education, as you can learn techniques and attend classes with individuals you may not be that close with.
There is no issue there. But it’s when we find ourselves feeling “disgust” for overt expressions of sexuality in rope, or finding it “inappropriate” or “shocking” that rope is a sexual practice for folks, that we need to take a step back and think.
Over the years, we’ve heard a few complaints about loud and visible expressions of sexuality in rope play within shared spaces. In fashion photoshoots, we are often asked to bind models, “But not in a sexual manner.” Some people even criticise pornography while working with shibari riggers and models. This calls for both evaluation and education.
We need to understand why these reactions occur and educate the community about the different ways rope can be experienced—whether erotically, artistically, or platonically. This broader understanding can help create a more inclusive and respectful environment for all.
Community opinions
People tie, and enjoy tying, for a whole range of different reasons. Some people will tie with a current of sexual energy running through everything they do. On the other hand, Eleni’s rope experiences for the last few years have been completely platonic. That’s not to say they haven’t been intimate… While rope doesn’t need to be sexual – if you are not self-tying – it involves close proximity and physical touch, the combination of which will generally create a form of intimacy.
According to a small Instagram poll: about two thirds of people said that shibari is “sometimes” sexual; about a quarter said it is “often” sexual; and the rest were split evenly between “always” and “never”.
Team member, @roryropes, compared shibari with massage, saying: “the location, person, and intent, all vary the experience.”
Other contributors had a range of opinions from shibari being an “art form”, to being more about intimacy – or connection – than sex, making it a “comforting” space in a way that sex might not be.
Studio regular @dionthebunnycat echoes Eleni’s sentiments in that she has found that her “most intimate connections in rope have been with platonic friends who [she loves]”.
Furthermore, while another contributor finds it “super arousing”, their shibari is still split 60/40 sexual to nonsexual.
Plus rope also attracts a lot of asexual folks, for whom rope can be a deeply intense and intimate experience without the need for sexual intimacy.
Context matters too
The context and the person you are practising rope with matter significantly.
In a class or beginner jam, where the focus is on learning and practising, the atmosphere will be more educational and perhaps less intimate. The objective is skill development rather than personal connection. In contrast, a private setting with a date or partner may carry a different mood, often more intimate and potentially erotic, depending on the relationship.
Moreover, people frequently have varying dynamics with different partners. With some partners, the experience may be sexually charged and infused with erotic energy. With others, the connection might be entirely platonic, focusing on the art and technique of rope without any sexual undertones. Understanding and respecting these different contexts and dynamics is crucial for a positive and consensual rope experience.
So, what does this tell us about shibari in relation to sex?
Ultimately, shibari can be whatever you and your significant other(s) want it to be. There are absolutely no shoulds or musts when it comes to incorporating sex into shibari. The practice is versatile and deeply personal, shaped by the preferences and boundaries of those involved. If rope play is sexual for you, be upfront about it and negotiate accordingly. If it isn’t, that’s perfectly valid too—don’t let anyone pressure you into an experience that doesn’t feel right for you.
Written by Anna Bones & Eleni